So. harukazepanda and I came back from Paris yesterday but since we had to get up at 2AM to make it for our plane, I had no energy to turn the computer on and update twitter even with a short “I’m back~”. It was a really exhausting escapade – we hardly ate, hardly slept, we were freezing, soaking wet, got lost about ten times (no kidding) and it was a miracle we made it to the concerts and back home safely. Paris is a very tourist-unfriendly city (not to mention dirty, ugly, loud and smelly but I already knew that before) where none speaks English and public transportation trolls like mad. Especially at night. Luckily, the people were super friendly and I’ll forever be thankful to those who literally saved our lives ♥ So, I’m begging you SM, make it Germany or some other civilized country next time!

My report will be long and won’t make much sense, I apologize in advance – I’m just a weak fangirl. Ranek and I attended both concerts and both were different yet absolutely fantastic . It feels like a dream at the moment, all my memories are a blur. All I remember are smiles and all I can say about the whole thing is that they are all GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED. I fell in love even harder.

Anyway.
-if you saw a girl who was jumping like crazy idiot, singing along to almost every song, shouting their names, waving her OnKey fans (Ranek picked them for me because I couldn’t buy and wave 5 ;_;), screaming and shouting their names or i-love-yous/saranghaes – that was me
-if you saw a girl who randomly shouted AHJUSSHI! before the concert on the 10th – that was me
-if you saw a girl who started hysterically crying during the last song (Sorry Sorry) on the 11th and couldn’t stop for God knows how long – that was me
-if you saw a girl who shouted “SNSD saranghae! SHINee saranghae!” at the camera when exiting the fosse while hysterically crying and waving OnKey fans… - yes, also me.
Pathetic or not, I can’t deny seeing them not only made me happy but also broke my heart. Knowing I won’t ever really get to know them hurts even more now. But I love them to pieces. It was worth the money, physical pain, heartache, everything. And I’d do it again today.

Also, I’d like to thank all the fun & nice people I talked to at Le Zenith. You guys were awesome ♥ Unlike those rude idiots who were either standing there looking bored or pushing and hitting others. Pathetic. But, hey, I went there for SM and they gave me two brilliant nights I’ll never forget *;___;*
(And… dear tall people, please stop growing! Have mercy on us shorties!)


( Onto the details now! )

I know I’m probably forgetting to mention a lot of things but it’s already super long and omg my face is wet again and I’m so kyaaaa inside and everything. The concerts were beyond perfect, I hope they come back so, this time with BoA and The Grace. I love them all. I love them, love them, love them.

Sorry for all typos I'm in hurry, lol.

Soooo… quite a lot of stuff happened recently. When I was heading to the uni on Tuesday the 5th I fell on my ass and hurt my right leg. Nothing super serious – the bone's not fractured and cast was not necessary but it’s still not healed. It kind of sucks because the weather is getting better and better and I’m stuck home. I had to go out twice and those weren’t my life’s best experiences. I’m thinking it’d be great to have a maid so I wouldn’t have to walk around the house so much. Or a lift because climbing the stairs up and down is pretty troublesome. But overall I’m good. Still annoyed that it happened to me again but… yeah, it’s gonna be fine.

There’s also great news because I finally finished my 1st chapter! The biographical one. And I already wrote one interpretation. Now all I need is my professor’s approval. I’m slightly worried that she’s going to reject and tell me to re-write it. That’s what happened to Justyna and Marta. On the other hand, she told them they were unnecessarily trying too hard to be objective and objective is the last I am when I’m writing, lol. I hope I can keep interpreting the way I’m doing it right now because working on Teraz na ciebie zagłada was super fun and I don’t want my motivation to go down. Anyway, at the moment I have about 45 pages of my master’s thesis and I’m so proud of myself ;___; Fighting!

I’m addicted to MR.TAXI. I think I already made it clear a couple of times and twitter, haha. And I’m super essited for f(x) comeback. I missed the girls so much! I watched the teaser more than 100 times already. And while I can’t deny I was hoping for something a bit different (it’s kind of like their previous MVs, isn’t it? very SM-ish ), I also don’t care what’s it like as long as it makes me go OMFG SHAKING CRYING F(X) NOMU YEPPEO NAN JIGEUM DANGER KYAAAAAAAA. Thanks to both girlgroups I’m pretty close to forgetting… ummm, SHINee who? No, wait, I remember who Kibum is – Amber stole his clothes. Ah, Flawless Generation and f(lawless) ♥

Also, I'd like to sincerely thank coldgreentea , harukazepanda , litoslaw   and yuaelt  for commenting on my previous entry. Some of you misunderstood me a bit but I know I didn't make it clear what I was talking about. But I really appreciated your comments, you have no idea how they cheered me up! ♥


( pod cutem jest fik, o który Ranek poprosiła wczoraj w nocy. napisany w ok. 20 minut - co zresztą widać. ale jest! xD )

Yesterday on the bus my friend asked a question. She meant no harm but in response I had to tell her about a great opportunity I'd been given. About an opportunity that I wasted. Because I was scared. Because I had no faith in my abilities. Because I though I was a bother. Because... Fuck, I have no clue why. But it wasn't even the first time! People recognize that tiny bit of talent that I have and want to help be but instead of taking the hand they offer me, I choose to run away. Well, okay, maybe not 'choose'. I just run away, too afraid of --- no, not of failing but of making myself look like a fool. Of believing something that - in my opinion - cannot be real.

I wonder what my life would be like right now if I took those chances. I wonder what I would be like. And I wonder what I'm gonna do next it (if there will be a 'next time'). I'll probably disappoint myself again. Honestly, I think I turned failing myself into an art. Possibly the only form of art I'll ever be good at.

Oh my, it's not even half past 8am. I apologize for being so pathetic this early in the morning.

Mam bulwersa roku. Mam bulwersa roku i świat jest niesprawiedliwy. Wróć: świat jest totalnie popierdolony.

Otóż właśnie dostałam od przyjaciółki telefon. Dziewczyna z naszego roku dostała w tym tygodniu dwa zaproszenia na doktorat. Owszem, w przypadku wielu osób nie byłoby to dziwne, bo mam na roku ludzi nieprzeciętnie inteligentnych. Ale ona?

Przecież to jest zsolaryzowana, plastikowa dupa, która nosi ciuchy z diamencikowymi króliczkami playboya i jak dotąd nie wypowiedziała w ani na zajęciach, ani poza nimi nawet jednego sensownego zdania. To jest dziewczyna, która zatkała doktor H. tekstem, że zawsze myślała, że Dziewczyna z perłą to portret upośledzonego dziecka i której wypowiedzi większość ćwiczeniowców po prostu ignoruje z kamienną twarzą, bo po prostu nie da się do nich ustosunkować. Jej promotor nawet jeszcze nie widział jej pracy!

I czemu dostała te dwa zaproszenia? Czemu ona, a nie ktokolwiek z osób, które naprawdę na to zasługują? Ah, no tak, przecież nie da się zapomnieć o tym, że jej wujek jest rektorem. Przez ostatnie 3 semestry nie dało się o tym zapomnieć i teraz też się nie da. Fajnie mieć wujka rektora. Czy ja też mogę? Albo chociaż dziekana, też bym nie pogardziła.

To po prostu nie jest fer. Ludzie zapierdalają, a ona ma wujka. To wcale nie jest fer :I

I passed today’s exam~! I’m free now. Except for the fact that I should be writing my master’s thesis. But I don’t really care at the moment. I’m too exhausted to care.

Also, with a little help from harukazepanda I finally purchased 15 extra icons and I already upped them. I’m quite satisfied with some of them. And I’m shocked that not too many of them are with SHINee, lol.

The Open’er Festival line-up so far is quite okay. I’m excited for M.I.A. although I’m not into her music as much as I used to be. I’m also looking forward to Coldplay and Caribou. Paolo Nutini might be fun since his music is so nice and optimistic. The other artists are either meh or who? There’s still plenty of time till July so I’m hoping for an announcement that’s going to make me die of joy or at least faint.

So. When was the last time YG actually gave us (well, ME since it's my opinion) good music? In 2010 I liked TOP's Turn It Up and 2NE1's I'm Hurt. BB's Japanese singles were okay. That's it. In 2011? Nothing so far. Tonight is absolutely horrible and sounds pretty much like what you can hear on Viva. And I'm not sure why I'm even typing this considering that I don't really care but why is Seungri's solo image always a Wannabe Lady Killer? Seriously, since when are Great Trolling Skills one of the things every woman wants in a guy? I must have missed an important and life-changing memo obviously.
/thank god my future husband sucks at trolling, i can be a bitch without being a hypocrite

And, and, and, and last time for the first time in a while I had no nightmares. Instead I have two other dreams. In one of them I was in some weird library with SoShi and all of the sudden they started stripping and changing into swimming suits. My brain apparently thinks that Sooyoung is flatter than most boys and who knows, it might be right. The other dream was about Jonghyun and Sekyung. It was cute, fluffy, adorable. What sane fangirl has cute dreams about her future husband and his girlfriend? I want her pink dress from the dream.

I’m displeased because I can’t find no3b’s new PV in satisfying quality. It’s either crap or some super huge mpeg. Annoying, annoying.

Have I mentioned that I’m exhausted? And my overall mood is… idek, not that good. But I’m trying. On Friday we’re throwing a little party to celebrate passing the exam. I’m probably gonna feel crappy since I’m a bit sick but at least I’m finally gonna spend more time with my friends. And Dehnel’s new book is coming out in a few days!

And the fact that the world that we live in is so fucked up isn't exactly helping.
And everyone just says there's nothing we can do to fix it.
And I feel guilty for so many reasons.
And...

First time listening to music in... God, it's really been 10 days, hasn't it? Not counting my mobile ringtone and alarm clock. I didn't really chose to turn this song on. I was just sitting here, doing nothing (so many days since I last time came on-line to do nothing...) except for crying (because he should be sleeping in my lap and he's not) and all of the sudden I felt like I... needed it. So now I'm crying to my favorite song instead of crying to silence. It's good. I suppose it's good.

I should be getting used to sounds again. Or maybe I should say: to living. I already went out of the house a few times - even to the theater although that was because I had to, not because I wanted to. I'm starting to talk a bit more. I try to text my friends like I normally would. I try to watch my favorite cartoons. I try to force myself to believe that the food I eat doesn't taste like paper and that I don't wan to throw it up. I try to cry only when I'm alone. But basically all I'm doing is reading for Tuesday's exam. Or at least pretending to be reading because I don't really have a clue what all the books I "read" were about. I have to write a paper about the play (Zmierzch bogów) - the deadline is on Wednesday but my brain is just... no good. I can't concentrate. I know what I want to write (there should be nothing easier than writing 3-4 pages about something that absolutely sucked, right?) but I just... I don't know.

I'm really getting better on the outside (except for the fact that I have a cold and I'm physically exhausted) but inside I still feel empty. Reality feels like a dream and only my dreams make me feel safe. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared that this fear is going to cause me even more pain. I'm trying my best, really. But it's so difficult.

Isn't it silly that even when I'm like this, thinking and dreaming of SHINee is still making me smile when everything else just brings me down? This is yet another proof that I'm wrong in the head.

When I lost my father I felt nothing. I was worried (well, scared) about our future but I felt nothing except for relief and annoyance when people were expecting me to cry and trying to cheer me up when I obviously didn’t need it. And I know they were judging me because they all, including my friends, assuming they knew what our relationship was like although what they knew was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Now I’m going to be judged again because at the moment everyone might be saying how sorry they are but soon they’re gonna say It was just a cat.

Kajtek passed away yesterday, exactly 3 and a half years after my father. Even the time almost matched. Ironic, right? The only difference was in my reaction. Hours of screaming and crying and begging him to come back, begging him not to leave me. It wasn’t just a cat. It was never just a cat. Except for my mom, he was the only creature I have ever considered my family. Ever. The two creatures I’ve been scared of losing, two creatures I’ve loved the most in the world, two creatures I could never imagine living without. And now one of them is gone. There’s only my mom and I, and just like she said: we are orphans.

( it's long and i know it's too long for anyone to read but at least i'll imagine that someone did... )


Happy (belated) birthday, anepotter  ♥

It’s 8pm. I just came back home from the uni. Today I had my last classes of the semester and… of my life as a regular student. Now I only have exams to fail pass, master’s thesis to finish and in June or July I’m going to graduate.

The feeling is kind of surreal. It’s a first big change of the year. More will come – I’m scared and excited at the same time. But more importantly I’m sad right now.

I’m going to miss my group – despite all the bad things that happened between us, I got used to seeing them a few times a week. Goofing around with them during exceptionally boring lectures, making fun of professors, skipping classes, doing stupid stuff at the library, dancing and singing random stuff in the hallway, fighting and arguing, sharing stress and happiness.

I’m going to miss them and everything else. It’s been over 4 years and I only have a few months left. I wish I could still come to classes, do annoying homework, complain that nothing we’re learning is interesting/useful, study together with everyone an hour before a test.

I want to turn back the time, go back to my 2nd or 3rd grade when I still had a long way to go, when everything was so fresh and exciting. I suppose I should be happy that I’m going to have more time to write my thesis, to have fun and party, to be lazy on tumblr or lj but somehow I’m not. I feel like I lost a part of my life, of myself, of… I don’t know. Damn, I’m just being silly right now. Sorry.

Starting tomorrow I need to study like a mad owl and this is what I need to be focusing on.